Monday, August 9, 2010

How do I say this...

...without coming off as insulting and inhuman?

Maybe this is an "over share" but I need to get it off my chest. This is my place to write and right now, this is what's on my mind. Though I've been debating posting this. Oh well.


At this moment in time, I cannot stand children. *gasp!* Sorry.
This has been an issue for a little while now and I'm not completely sure why.
But...
Around the beginning of April, I was feeling rather morose. You see, at that time, I knew about 6 women who were pregnant. With all this pregnancy around me, I started to get the "baby bug" and felt like I wanted to think about having a child. Felt like I needed to get pregnant and make a baby. Pressure much? No, not from any one person, but from life in general and what I was surrounded by.
Unfortunately for Ryan and me, that wasn't an option then or now. We believe in planning for a child and being financially prepared before we let it happen. I refuse to let a child come into a world where we can't comfortably take care of it. It feels irresponsible to me otherwise.
So I started to get bummed out and felt pretty crappy about it.

But at some point in May or something I had an epiphany.

I'm 24 years old! I don't need to have children any time soon. What the heck was I thinking?!?!?!

Ryan, the amazing husband that he is, is totally supportive of me and my feelings on this. He agrees that we don't need to be thinking about having kids anytime soon.

Which I now believe has led me to my current distaste for children.
Maybe a sort of defense mechanism against being upset about not being able to have them?
I don't know.
All I do know is that I feel like I have a kid allergy. They annoy me. Hearing about them annoys me.
No, there is no thing in particular or any child in particular which is bothering me.
Everyone who reads this and is fortunate enough to have been able to have children already, I'm happy for you and deep down I love all your babies and think they're adorable, but *shudder* I just can't deal with them right now.

At some point I'll (hopefully) get over this. But right now I apologize if I don't want to hold your baby or if I don't get excited when so and so takes their first steps. Yes I am happy for you, I just don't want to have anything to do with it.

(sigh)

So does everyone think I'm an awful and evil person now?




7 comments:

Kelsey Morris said...

Negative. It seems perfectly normal. All I hear about is babies.. espically when I go to church and I get very tired of it. When you are ready your opinion will change :)

Kathryn said...

I remember exactly how you feel. Surrounded by swelling bellies, adorable infants and invited to yet another baby shower....when you "can't" have one (or can't right now), is brutal.

Sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to give yourself some space around this. Everyone who knows and loves you will understand. And if they don't - well, you know what I would say, I'm sure;-).

whitney said...

as i read this, i cant help but feel embarrassed about you guys having to have dinner with tagg last week! hope he didnt annoy you too badly.

dont feel obligated to come to the hospital next week when this new little baby is born. :)

Jenny DB said...

Definitely not weird, I can totally relate and I think it is normal and a defense mechanism like you said. All that will change until you guys have your own, and then you will love him/her to pieces.. and in the meantime, no hurry cuz i totally agree. it's not responsible to have kids before you're ready. in hte meantime i'll cross my fingers you dont get the row on the airplane being kicked by the obnoxious (unless theyre your own) toddlers... you know the ones.

Meg O. said...

You're not weird! Have you had the tons of "so when are you going to have some babies?" yet? I swear we didn't even hit a year of marriage and everyone wants us to hurry up and have kids! My Dexter is enough for now! I love children, but geez, not financially ready! Promise you - you're not evil.

Kim said...

I totally understand this. I'm going through the exact same thing right now.

Anonymous said...

Katie... I, as always, support you 100% in anything you want, and I know you make decisions after much thought. If and when the time is right for you, you'll know.
Mom